lady_organa: (cassie happy b&w)
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When yo niece gets a hold of the balloon stash

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I'll add the graphic in a bit. The story behind this is that I was looking for a poem about a brother. I have a weird type of relationship with my brother. Because of the age difference and circumstances where he took the position of father figure our relationship is not exactly equal. I crave my brother's affection but I also resent him

But the poem I'm about to post is about family-dysfunctional family. My family-the immediate one at least is dysfunctional to the max. I didn't realize it until recently. I grew up thinking this was normal. This was my life. I don't know anything else. I write a lot about dysfunctional families because that's what I know. I don't know what a functional family looks like but I hope to have it one day.

My Factless Autobiography by Alli Warren.

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Can I say that it was extremely hard trying to tell my niece exactly the reasoning behind me cutting off my hair? I told her it was because I wanted to return to my curly hair. She asked me why did I have to cut off my hair to do that. And guys I didn't know how to explain to her...I much should I tell her?

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So I didn't talk about my assessment.

I think we talked about an hour. She asked me a lot of questions and did a memory test.

I think the thing that stood out to me the most was that she asked me how to describe what mania feels like to me. And while I know the general symptoms I couldn't really figure out exactly how to describe it.

One of the main things that I feel when I'm manic is how I described to her as heated. I don't know exactly what I meant about that. I still don't to be honest.

When I'm manic I can't really think straight. I told her about the racing thoughts. I have a short attention span naturally but when I'm manic it's like that but like I move from things after about six seconds. I think about all the things I can do. Oh what's that? I can do that. Ooh that looks interesting I'll do that.

I still can't figure out what the heated part means though but I associate that with my mania. Perhaps I mean it as higher. Perhaps it could mean it could mean my temperature. But I also feel the same way when I'm manic. Ever since 2006 when I had my first episode.

So yeah we talked about. We talked about my daily life and other general things. My mom kept badgering me to tell her what she asked me since I took so long. I was kinda of irritated because I wasn't feel very comfortable at the time and the doctor did ask me about my home life. I'm not going to mince words here but my mom used to be...a lot more mean and just generally cruel while I was growing up. Like I'm going to let you draw your own conclusions but the Astrid/Ingrid relationship in White Oleander was very similar to ours. So much to the point that the line and I'm paraphrasing: Even though she the most dangerous person I belonged she was were I last felt at home really resonated with me. So yeah.

And I'm not saying my mom is a murderer okay? So get that out your heads :P

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lady_organa: (Default)
One of the things I fear in having a daughter is that our relationship will end up like my grandmother and my mother, my grandmother and her mother. I'm seeing a pattern in these relationships. It wasn't until recently that I heard my grandmother talk bad about her mother. While I was growing up she always talked fondly of her, but recently she's expressed negative things about her similar to the way my mom expresses things about my grandmother.

My mom and I don't have the greatest relationship ever. She's prone to criticizing me about my body and what not. I've been trying to talk to her about this but she always hides behind the guise of health concerns. She might be concerned about that, but really it's a vanity thing. That's why I got so angry at her back in June with the whole hysterectomy issue. She was making it completely about my weight. It couldn't because because there was something wrong internally, no it had to be my weight. She'll say stuff like "You'd be even prettier if you lost some weight." Which ticks me the fuck off. I'm already pretty. I am a fucking boss at any weight.

We are working things though. Last night I talked to her about how my grandmother and my uncle slut shame her for having a lot of boyfriends but he has/had just as many, but no one says shit and I saw a strain of recognition in her eyes. I told her that's how I feel when she always pressure me to be more ladylike but never says anything about my brother doing the same shit. Example both of us are messy but I'm expected to clean up but she never admonishes him for his messiness. I hope she can start to understand better.

Anyway I was just thinking about that last night. I want to have a better relationship with my future daughter(s) if I have one.

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lady_organa: (Default)
Hello guys!

I've been feeling better. My stomach pain has eased up. I've been sleeping all day because the pain kept me up last night and I was having trouble breathing, but everything seems to be fine for the moment. I just had a cup of orange juice and I don't feel as sluggish as I did just an hour ago.

I was reading some of the blogs on my Wordpress account yesterday and I saw one questioning whether superheroes are the new gods. I don't have an particular thoughts on that per se, but I noticed that on the article comments there were a lot of men complaining about the author's thoughts on sexism in the genre.

I noticed that some men seem to have a knee jerk reaction to claims of sexism. I thought the author had a point, you know? But a lot of the commenters we're missing that.

Anyway I just read this article on women in science fiction. Now you guys know I love a good romance novel. Why is it that that romance is seen as inherently bad thing?

Idk. I'm still smarting from my niece dissing my choice of reading. She told me I read nasty books. LMAO really? I have to wonder who taught her that.

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lady_organa: (anakin/padme lie)
I have so much energy right now you guys! I want to do everything!

I was thinking to myself about a week ago that Mama Cradie is the only grandparent I have left and I'm not always exactly the best granddaughter to her. So I've decided to be a little sweeter. I'll still assert myself, but I won't do it so rudely I guess you say.

I played the "I'll Be Missing You Song" for her today since it's her day and I noticed that after it ended she was crying. I asked her why and she said because she was thinking of her parents and all that. But she thanked me for playing it, though I felt bad that it made her cry.

I talked to Martel last night. He's doing okay. I started to fall asleep a few times around 2 am while I was waiting for the Bleach chapter to drop and I think the music was making me relax, so I left it on and turned over and off to sleep I went.

I just read the Bleach chapter and the sentence after this continues spoilers. So Katagiri has been confirmed as a mixed blood. Hmmm. I knew she was probably a Quincy, most likely a lower class, so that's been confirmed. I'm really enjoying these chapters, so keep it coming Kubo.

Now I think I might try to write or maybe download some more sims stuff. My mind is telling me we should play TS2, so I downloading stuff for that haha. The mind works in mysterious ways.

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lady_organa: (Default)
Oh hey guys I forgot to mention this due to my Sims play and excitement about that.

Two of my childhood friends had their babies last month. Briunka had a daughter, Jerriuna, with her husband and Naria had a son, though when she last visited us she said the doctor told her it was a girl haha

The kids came over today. I talked with them a bit. I've also been nicer to my grandma today. Maybe it's because I'm in a better mood, idek.

Bisco is doing alright, still adorable. Paul is alright as well. The kittens are almost full grown cats, but the little black and white one still follows Bisco around. I think it mildly annoys him haha.

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I am so fucking mad right now. I was going to play TS3 since I had wrote my required words and I knew I was going to be up for awhile. So I fired up the game, waited for that shit to load. I went to the Alto household like I usually do. Holly was coming home from that joke of a sing a gram and Nick and Vita were literally just STANDING around while their needs went into the red and they wouldn't obey my commands. But Holly comes running up the walk, so I'm like "alright my girl is home." Her energy is low, so I directed to go make some coffee because I am like obsessed with the different types of coffee. And do you know what happened? THE FUCKING GAME FROZE AND THAT DAMN WINDOWS MESSAGE POPPED UP AND I'M LIKE BITCH NO!

I am still fucking mad. I don't even want to start the game all over. Fuck it I'll try it on Saturday.

But on the bright side like I mentioned I did write 1K today and I started the new book, of course. There are a lot of books I'm seeing that I want to read, so I think I'll be buying a couple.

But other than that, not much as gone on today. My mom was in a really bad mood though for some reason. She gets like that sometimes. It wasn't really directed at me, but at my grandma. She's really fucking pissed.

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lady_organa: (Default)
Let's see how today went:

I went to bed at 10 last night as I had been up for 22 hours and I couldn't stand to stay up any longer. I woke up briefly only to fall back asleep.

I woke up this morning and felt so much better. I'm a little fuzzy on what I did now, but I stayed up through the morning. Around 1 pm, I thought: Let's play 3, why the fuck not? It's not a hard fast rule that you have to play in the evening. So I fired up the game.

While I waited for the Alto house to load, I laid down and fell asleep. I'm not sure how long, but maybe 10 minutes? By the time I woke up it was done and though Vita and Holly's needs were a little low, it was nothing like with the Crumplebottom sisters. Vita always seems to be low, so idk. Holly got invited to a graduation party by her friend Bebe and I changed her swimsuit, but when the time came and I clicked the little pop up, she still wouldn't go. So I decided to switch over to the Hart household since I had never played them.

And Gus was a fucking fairy? Like I clicked on him and he fucking had wings. What the fuck Story Progression? Plus the whole family was at the school instead of at a pool or whatever. I made them go home and guess what? All Bebe's guests were there including Holly in the swimsuit I put on her. WTF?

So I said whatever. I gave Bebe a makeover and it made me realize that I need more ethnic hairstyles as Bebe's original hairstyle was braids and I like to keep the hairstyles close to their original hair. I'm going to have to find some for Sims 3.

Oh and I finally got Holly into the Singer profession. Her stage name is Holly Day.

Mama Cradie went and got us some burgers today and I had that for lunch. Oh and my appointment yesterday went well, though I didn't get weighed. I'm going to have to buy a scale so I can weigh myself at home because our old one is kind of...interesting let's say.

I wrote a bit. I'm going to try to write another 250 words so I can have at least 500 words today. So far this month I've written 5,000 words, which is rather low for me.

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lady_organa: (Default)
How did I manage to get dressed only to go back to sleep? Yes I know I stayed up late last night, but I slept this morning and I really thought I was going to be awake. The kids didn't even come over until 9 pm because they were off with their dad or something, so I didn't really miss seeing them.

And I think I might have to get a new cell. I took the micro SD card out of my phone to put in the replacement, but that motherfucker just would not stay in, so I said fuck it and left it out and put everything back in its place. But now my phone will not come on. I charged it twice, held down the button numerous times, but it will not come in. This is really pissing me off because I'm like 3 more payments away from getting my bill down to $50 and I really like this phone, so fuuu.

I didn't play 3 today because I didn't wait, but I played 2 like I meant to. I posed the Pleasant twins. I'm still editing the pictures, but here's what I done so far.

AP Graphic

angelaex2 lilithpex3

I've been playing with levels and curves and all that haha. I wanted the twins hair color to pop out. I usually focus on certain colors in my pics and try to enhance them.

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lady_organa: (padme 1)
Day 26: Do you draw your char­ac­ters? Do oth­ers draw them?

I have drawn them, but when I have them on paper, they aren't how imagined them in my head and at this moment, I really don't have the patience to work on my drawing skills. I used to be ace about drawing the face, but as I got better and less stressed, I didn't really turn to drawing to make me calm down.

So I deleted like good 60 GB of shit I don't use off of my computer. It's mostly music I don't listen to and ton of podcasts and all that stuff.

And I realized as I was backing up my download folder for The Sims 3 that since the 1st I have some how accumulated almost 2GB of stuff. This is my truth, I've always been a download whore, especially when it comes to Sims. So much good stuff!

I also backed up my neighborhoods. I'm about to put some mods and hacks in, so I want what I've played to be safe so I can return to them, though I'm going to start a new copy of Moonlight Falls because the sisters house was fucked or something. Anyway.

I have so many ideas in my head you guys. It reminds me of when I was a teen and going through mania. I stayed up through the night and wrote down all these notes. I yelled at my mom for interrupting me. I've been doing a lot of that today. But she's been bitching at me about messing with the TV and SHE asked me to do it, so idk. But I need to pull it back. I can't let myself slip into mania. My schedule is all off.

Well that's is all that's new from me. No real writing today, just incessant downloading and numerous tabs open.

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lady_organa: (Default)
Day 23: How long does it usu­ally take you to com­plete an entire story?

This one depends on your definition of a story. If you mean a novella or a longer work? Well I've never finished one of those. One of my goals for the next five years will be to write a complete novel.

Now if you define a story as a piece or something similar? Well I write rather fast. I can knock out about 400 words in ten minutes, so if the piece is 1K or longer, then it'll take me an hour or so?

My grandmother is getting on my nerves as usual. Like if I want to take a fucking bath at 2 AM, then I will. She will come into the bathroom and berate me. I fell asleep in the tub once man, give it a rest. And how the fuck would I drown as less I'm slumped way down? Just she worries over every little thing. I see it runs in the family.

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lady_organa: (padme 1)
Hello fair people. Sorry the meme was kinda short. I had taken my medicine and I was posting it from my laptop and I so didn't feel like going into detail haha. But anyway.

I was reading one of Kim Addonizio's poetry books and I thought to myself: "I need to read more contemporary poets." But I don't know where to start, so that's where you good people come in.

Rec me some contemporary poets

When I say contemporary, I mean like in the last thirty to forty years.

So yep that's all that is up with me. Parental units got into argument when I was waking up. Grandma has gone out now and Mom is reading her Bible for the class tonight. Me? I'm looking forward to TVD and Scandal, but I might go to class with her. But that's a big might.

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September 2016

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