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Aug. 15th, 2013 08:02 amI feel like talking this morning.
I don't know if it's because of my bipolar disorder and when I'm manic. But I am extremely self conscious. I always feel like people are talking about me. Of course there was gossip about me in HS but I mean even simply when I hear people laughing I think...are they laughing at me?
Like yesterday I guess you could say I felt extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I seem to get that feeling more when I haven't slept in awhile. Like have you ever felt so uncomfortable that you literally want to shed your skin? I didn't feel comfortable inside my body. I wanted to crawl out of it.
I don't know if I mentioned it here before but I told my best friend Ash about a month ago. I seem to be stuck in my teenage mind. Like I say that because I still feel like a teen sometime even though I'm about to be twenty three. I don't have that many responsibilities. Like I was telling my mom the reason I got behind on my payments wasn't because I couldn't pay. No it was because I wanted to buy something else. I don't want to be like that anymore. My credit card would still be alright if I hadn't simply been irresponsible. I could have been done with my loan last year if I hadn't been irresponsible. I don't want to be like that anymore. I've made arrangements to pay off my credit card. It's about 1,900 and the bill will be $104 a month. That's not too bad and I'm hoping to be done with it before I start school again. I've potentially messed up my credit because I was greedy and wanted more.
So I'm trying to fix that. I want to be more adult. Not in the shallow way my brother and whoever thinks by not watching certain things or having cats (Lol wut?) but in taking responsibility for my own actions.
I have this need to be in control. Like I don't like to be vulnerable because I feel like I'm not in control. I don't want to show my emotions because I need to be in control. Maybe the cutting was about being in control? I don't want to drink too much because I need to be in control of myself you know?
So yeah I wanted to get that out there.
This entry can also be found on DW at: http://leia-solo.dreamwidth.org/325416.html
I don't know if it's because of my bipolar disorder and when I'm manic. But I am extremely self conscious. I always feel like people are talking about me. Of course there was gossip about me in HS but I mean even simply when I hear people laughing I think...are they laughing at me?
Like yesterday I guess you could say I felt extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I seem to get that feeling more when I haven't slept in awhile. Like have you ever felt so uncomfortable that you literally want to shed your skin? I didn't feel comfortable inside my body. I wanted to crawl out of it.
I don't know if I mentioned it here before but I told my best friend Ash about a month ago. I seem to be stuck in my teenage mind. Like I say that because I still feel like a teen sometime even though I'm about to be twenty three. I don't have that many responsibilities. Like I was telling my mom the reason I got behind on my payments wasn't because I couldn't pay. No it was because I wanted to buy something else. I don't want to be like that anymore. My credit card would still be alright if I hadn't simply been irresponsible. I could have been done with my loan last year if I hadn't been irresponsible. I don't want to be like that anymore. I've made arrangements to pay off my credit card. It's about 1,900 and the bill will be $104 a month. That's not too bad and I'm hoping to be done with it before I start school again. I've potentially messed up my credit because I was greedy and wanted more.
So I'm trying to fix that. I want to be more adult. Not in the shallow way my brother and whoever thinks by not watching certain things or having cats (Lol wut?) but in taking responsibility for my own actions.
I have this need to be in control. Like I don't like to be vulnerable because I feel like I'm not in control. I don't want to show my emotions because I need to be in control. Maybe the cutting was about being in control? I don't want to drink too much because I need to be in control of myself you know?
So yeah I wanted to get that out there.
This entry can also be found on DW at: http://leia-solo.dreamwidth.org/325416.html
